i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
