I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
