i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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