Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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