I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
