i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
