i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
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