i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
