Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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