If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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