I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
