and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
