I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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