as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
