I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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