saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize