Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
