Just cropdusted the office
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My vagina is officially offended.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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