I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize