I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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