So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
