hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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