Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
my liver is dry heaving
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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