i barfeds in our rink
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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