Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
