I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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