I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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