And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
