A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
