There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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