i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
