I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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