Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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