i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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