but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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