life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
