did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
