the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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