He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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