Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
