For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
