paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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