there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
