one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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