I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
