my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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