She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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