Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize