i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
