Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
