I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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