glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
As shirtless as possible
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
