You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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