He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize