last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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