I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
