everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
