I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
