After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize